Emerald Blue-Rose

I never remember what the last thing I wrote on here was. I usually have to look back before I write in case I end up repeating myself. But who cares if I repeat myself. It's nearly 2 in the mornin and my eyes are scratchy, I don't care.

I'm off work again, have been since last Thursday. Got a line covering me until 16th, then I get another two-week line, so my approximate return to work date is the first Monday in December. It's mad. I'm on beta blockers, Propanolol. They work, they tell my body to calm down, they suppress the adrenaline receptors so I don't run around getting in a panic. I wish I was on more than 30mg a day tho, cos they wear off after a while and I get riled up again. It says in the leaflet that the normal dosage for anxiety is 40mg three times a day. I'm on 10mg three times a day. Maybe that's to start me off or something.

My Lovely got his flight booked tonight, courtesy of moi. I'm trying to focus on the fact it's done and he's coming for Christmas, but I can't get over how long it took and how hard it was to get him motivated to get the time booked off work. Did he even want to come? He said he does, but I'm not quite convinced. I'll only be convinced when I see him face to face in December. I miss him so much. :(

I wrote him a poem in French last night. Complete with an English translation. My French grammar was probably all over the place, but whatever. It took two hours to write it. He tells me it's nice. All the poems I write for him are nice. I know he's not great with words, but I would like some kind of emotional validation. If someone were to write a poem for me, I'd be so happy. I've written five poems for him in the last month, six if you count the really cryptic one that only I can understand and wouldn't even bother asking him to read. I purposely write his poems in plain language so that he can understand and have more of a chance of giving me some emotional feedback... but it doesn't work. Even Idiot Boy, the notoriously emotionless slab of stone, was able to show an element of joy/happiness/appreciation at the fact I was writing for him.

When he's in the mood he's in, he doesn't appear to appreciate anything. He doesn't want to be bothered with anything. He has no interest in anything. I just never thought I'd be included in this 'anything'. It hurts. Quite a lot actually. I thought I was different. Maybe I'm just not special enough to break through his mood and make him feel better. Everyone always has someone who they can say "you always know how to make me feel better" to. I'm nobody's someone. I feel inadequate and useless. I'm no good at anything.

I might be two years ahead in beginner's violin after only three lessons, and I may look better than I have done in a long time, but I'm a failure. I just don't know how I'm supposed to be.

K, so I have this great guy. He loves me, he plans to spend his life with me, I love him too and want the same things. We live really far apart so we don't get to see each other that often. He's recently moved house to cut down bills and save up money to move over here to be with me. He's struggling right now with getting his internet working and his phone in network so he can talk to me. And what am I doing? Whining at him cos I don't get to talk to him. I don't mean to, but my actions are making me appear like I'm desperate and needy and he's not liking that at all. In fact, I'm pissing him off. That's the last thing I wanted to do.

We had a long chat on Friday evening when he got signal. It was good, until it wasn't good. I got a few stern words about my voice message I left him on Thursday night. I was basically trying to tell him how bad it was getting for me and that not hearing from him wasn't helping, and that I really really needed him because I was going nuts. I wasn't saying that I was close to a nervous breakdown BECAUSE he wasn't talking to me, I was saying that I was close to it and I needed him. I was at my wits' end, I was losing control and words came out completely wrong. I was in THAT big a state. But he was telling me how he felt after hearing the message, and that just made me feel a thousand times worse. I felt like I was being condemned for needing him. All I wanted was for him to say that he wished he could have been there for me, and that he had been trying. We kept going round and round in circles, he was telling me that was how he felt at the time of hearing the message, and I was telling him that was how I felt at the time of leaving the message. When a person has broken internet and poo phone signal, you would think they would be trying other things to get through. But what I didn't know was that he WAS trying, he just kept getting a 'cannot connect' message. We both reacted on things we didn't know, and hurt each other in the process. But yet I still wound up feeling the worst about it.

So I started today with a fresher outlook. He'd said he'd try and call me at some point today. I didn't get a call but I did get messages, and I actually got replies within like 5 or 10 mins of mine being sent, which is a miracle after what his signal has been like (eg. messages coming through 3 hours after being sent). Anyway, he says he's going out to a fancy dress party. Immediately I get jealous. Why? Because he gets to go out and have fun when he wants to, and I can't. I live with family and I have no friends, or at least I have no friends who want to be with me. Or can be with me. Also, Halloween 2007 was the night that we first noticed a definite spark between us, and if his internet had been working I'd have wanted to spend tonight with him. He probably wouldn't have realised that, but whatever. And, the end of one month into the beginning of another month marks our six month anniversary. Happy anniversary Tish? Would be nice...

I try to forget about me being on my tod, and carry on about my business. I head towards bed with a smile on my face cos I'm thinking about my man, and maybe he'll ring me on his way home. I get some texts from him after I asked how the party went. He said "Miss you. I'm on my way home, the burlesque night was good and I was glad I got to dress up in fancy dress cos I've never got to do that properly before". Burlesque night? He never disclosed that piece of information earlier. That could mean one of two things. One, he wasn't aware there was going to be a burlesque event at whatever party he was going to. Or two, he knew and point blank made a lie of omission. Or actually, he knew but didn't think it'd be a big deal or something. I'm gonna go with the first one, cos he doesn't lie to me. He wouldn't lie to me, he's not like that, lying is one major thing that he hates with a passion. Which is why I always try to tell him how I feel about stuff and not keep anything from him.

Why am I bothered about this? I don't know. My confidence in every aspect of my life is shot. I'm at the lowest I can possibly be without getting checked in to the psyche ward. I suck as a daughter, as a sister, as a friend, as an employee, as a musician, as a woman, and here I am being crap as a girlfriend. I'm no good at anything right now. And I'm concentrating all my efforts on fixing things but I end up making it worse. I was hell-bent on fixing me and Dan, and still am cos I love him and don't want to lose him. But I'm scared that my craziness is gonna push him away. I'm broke and I need fixed. He's not broke but he needs some fine tuning, as in getting with the communicating (he did very well last night). I need to know where I'm going wrong. In everything. I can't handle much right now, so I KNOW I need him to reassure me, a bit more than usual because my confidence is completely gone. I need him to be here in whatever manner he can. Saying "how are you, what are you up to" won't cut it, cos it's like a template text. I need things like "I'm thinking of you, I wish I was there to hold you, I can't wait to see your face again". Or a voice message so I could hear his voice. These things make me feel comfort from my boyfriend.

What I need right now is comfort from my boyfriend. I feel like I'm losing my mind. NOT because he's not here, let's get that one thing clear. I'm losing my mind because of everything else. It hurts that I'm going through all this and he's not here. It's not his fault, but he shouldn't be making me feel like I'm saying it's his fault. He should be making me feel like he wants to be here to be with me, even though we both know he can't be here right now. That makes all the difference. A simple desire to be with the one you love makes that person feel loved.

Dan, you know me. You know how I react to certain things. You've seen me at my best and my worst. I'm sorry that you're experiencing me at a whole new level of worst. I'm going through something really bad right now and I need you. I need you not to make me feel like crap. I know you don't mean to make me feel like that, it's accidental, as was my hurting you, but I need a teeny bit more caution because I'm so incredibly fragile right now. I need a bit of care and attention to get through this. Please, can you do that? You're my boyfriend... I need you. Please don't go away, I'll be better soon. Just keep checking up on me from time to time, let me feel your love. I love you, and you'll never know how much, but I'm gonna keep trying to show you anyway.

Opening - I Remain (Paradise Lost)

It was either last night or this morning that I prayed "give me a reason not to go to that place". No guesses are needed to know what that place is. I was the most weak and weary I'd ever been today. I fell asleep on the train and woke up thinking I was on my way home, and nearly screamed when I heard the tannoy confirm that I was in fact on my way to work.

I tried to do my normal work things today. I was sitting staring at my list I make at the end of each day for the next day. I felt like crying. And then a thought came to mind - call the doctor and ask what to do about your symptoms. So I called the surgery, spoke to the receptionist and got a call from a doctor not long after.

I told her that I'd been having the diahrrea since Monday night, started back to work yesterday, and ever since I've been exhausted and having chest pains along with sweats and shakes and stomach cramps. And I told her that this morning I wanted to drive my car into a hedge so I wouldn't have to come to work. She asked about the job, and I said I travel to Belfast to work in a job I don't fully understand. Her suggestion? To take time off right away and go to an appointment on Tuesday morning. She wants me to go on beta blockers to help with the anxiety. When I get the diahrrea, it makes me nervey at the fact I have it at all. When I'm nervey, I get diahrrea. And the other reason for both? Working in that certain company in Belfast.

So we'll see what happens on Tuesday. It seems that my prayer was answered. I was given a reason to not be in work right now.

Closing - Criminal (Disturbed)

After 5 weeks of being off work, I'm back again. I hate it, it stinks, and I want to stay at home. It wouldn't be so bad if the place wasn't two hours from home.

Do you know what I do when I get home? I eat, I wash, I go to bed. That's my life outside of that stinkin place. Excuse me if I can't find anythin to be joyful about.

Oh yeah, and I hate my boyfriend's new place. Why? Cos he doesn't have signal for his phone to work so I never get to talk to him. And, he spends a lot of his spare time hangin with his housemates so we can't make use of our only other method of communication (the internet) and I can't tell him when I'm going to be online cos he can't get stinkin network on his stinkin phone! I can't blame him for hangin about with his new friends, it's his right, but it does make me a bit jealous cos I don't have friends. It's not like I'd have the energy to hang out with them anyway...

I need a new job. Please let this admin/photography interview on Thursday go well...

So here's the thing. I got my date for going back to work. The 27th of this month. I was somewhat okay with that, cos I know I have to go back sometime. But it appears I'll be going back a lot sooner than anticipated. This Friday.

I've been called in for a meeting with my line manager and HR about my attendance. Fair enough. A bit scary tho. It's an HR person I've never met before. It's a meeting to sorta try and prevent me getting a written warning about my absences. It's medically certified absences, it's not like I'm skiving. But yes I understand it from a business point of view.

I was worried it was gonna be to do with my 5 month review which is supposedly happening in October. But it's not that. It's a lead up to it or something. I know that my performance isn't up to scratch, but that's because my manager is a bad teacher and doesn't listen when I need to ask a question. He talks about needing me to ask questions, but he doesn't listen when I do! It's frustrating, it makes me worry and panic, which makes me get a nervous belly, which gives me diarrhea and makes me lightheaded and consequently means I have to take sick days. So how do we fix this? Get my manager to start managing!

But the thing I need advice on is this. I got an invite to an aptitude test for a really good job. Guess when the test is. The day after I start back at work. Annoying! What should I do? Should I not go? Should I tell work that I need a day off straight after coming back for an aptitude test for another job? I'll be shooting myself in the foot whatever I do. I'd just like to know which one would be the most painful. I need out of Belfast and that job I don't understand, but I need to not get fired in the meantime. I want to be able to keep earning and be good at my job, but I also don't want to miss great job opportunities or make myself more ill.

What the flef should I do?

I don't have colitis! Woohoo! I don't need to have a camera up my butt! WOOHOO!!!!

But what I do have is really bad IBS. The doc said today that my bout of gastroenteritis back in June has caused the IBS to go into overdrive. That, coupled with my work stress and bad eating routine, as caused the IBS to drag out the effects of the gastroenteritis. Which is why I've had the gut problems I've had since June.

He said I need to change my work, but in the meantime I'm being referred to a dietician to help change my diet and get the IBS under control rather than sticking me on tablets for the rest of my life. Good idea, I hate tablets. He said I need to have a proper breakfast in the morning, either before work or on the train. I need to take milk in my cereal to help absorb the cereal, which means I'll need to eat before I leave the house. Well, I'll just get up at the normal time and I'll use the extra 10/15 mins to eat (the winter trains leave my station 15 and 8 mins later than the summer). That would be a good idea?

I've had my proper breakfast today, I had Special K with milk, some fruit, and I'm about to have a yogurt drink. Yay me! Now I have to keep this up. I was told I definitely need to eat a lunch, preferably a bigger meal than my evening one. Don't know how that's gonna work, cos the lunches in at work are really expensive compared to anywhere else I've worked. I'll have to discuss that with the dietician. I'm looking forward to it!

Opening - This Cold Life (Paradise Lost)

Well. Mammy surprised me last week when she came home from her holiday. She wasn't mad at all. In fact, she said she nearly told me a few times to get the doctor to sign me off for a while. It would have been nice if she'd told me that before, then I wouldn't have been freaking out about telling her. But YAY anyway. :)

Since she's been home, I've gradually been getting stressed again. Because of her. She projects her stress onto me without even realising. She gets flustered at the smallest thing - the state of my hair, a dirty cup that hasn't been put in the dishwasher. I'm supposed to be relaxing and getting myself ready for going back to work when the doctor deems me fit. I'm not supposed to be holding my tongue every time my relaxed environment gets invaded upon by a highly strung 40-something. Which is why I'm out of the house holding up at the library. I'm 6 miles from home, which means I'm 6 miles from the hurricane. Now I know where my sister gets her destructive nature... (I used to give my sister the nickname of Hurricane Amy because she left a trail of destruction everywhere she went - noise, mess, etc.)

I'm also here to get my head away from certain thoughts. I had lunch with an old friend last week. She'd been going to my church for a while and finally we had the opportunity to spend a bit of time together. I knew her from years ago cos she went out with and eventually married an ex of mine. They're divorced now, thank goodness, cos he was absolutely no good for her. Anyway, she asked me for my take on something he told her. He told her that I kissed him when they'd been going out just a few weeks, and he pushed me away. Honestly. it did sound somewhat familiar but I couldn't be 100% sure, so I told her I'd look it up in my old diary from back then and give her the truth of what I wrote, if anything. Big mistake.

It wasn't a mistake to tell her what I wrote. It was a mistake to look at my old diary full stop. Simply because the act of opening the diary opened up boxes I'd closed off in my head years ago. I had locked away demons. Now they're out of their boxes and I don't know what to do. What I found with regards to our ex was that I was at his house a couple of months after they started going out. I had heard from 'the one who got away' and he'd wanted back with me. I didn't know what to do so I asked for the mutual ex's advice. He confessed to me that he didn't want me getting hurt by this guy cos he still had feelings for me, and that every time he's round me he wanted to kiss me. And he did kiss me, several times. And I wrote in the diary that that made me feel even more confused and I couldn't understand why he woud just take advantage of me like that.

And in the midst of reading that stuff, in the process of finding that particular entry, I saw for myself just what kind of person I was back then in 2001. I was everything I hate now. A drama queen, and a non-sexual slut. I'll have to explain that one. I was a virgin up until I was 21, okay? But up to that stage, I was dating or smooching or falling for any guy who paid any kind of attention to me. In the first 6 months of that diary, I had declared love to/had an online relationship with/kissed/intended to wait for at least half a dozen guys. At least. I couldn't read any more, it made me feel sick. I was everything I hate.

The one comfort is that I am not in a relationship with someone who just happened to show me some attention. I'm not with one who just came along. I'm with someone who is genuinely my person. We're not with each other because there's no one else better. He's with me because he wants to be. And I'm with him because I want to be. We may be divided by the Irish Sea right now, but that's not for ever. We're for ever.

Another comfort is that I know I've changed. I realised that the moment I felt sick reading about how I used to be.

Closing - Like You (Evanescence)

I had a doctor's appointment last Wednesday and he signed me off for two weeks. Workplace anxiety and stress he says, but he wrote 'dizziness' on my line. That's what my appointment was for anyway, cos I'd been getting dizzy and having sore heads. He says I need to relax, go for walks and swim. I can't swim terribly well but I went today.

I'm not looking forward to telling mammy about this whole thing. She gets back from her holiday tomorrow night. I'm scared she's gonna go nuts and say I'm faking it or milking it or something, that it's all in my head. And then of course she'll start on about how I'll lose my job from this. Well, I know that already, I'm worried enough about it and I don't need her adding to it. But how do I get her to calm down and not make me panic before I've even told her?

I ain't got a clue.

Opening - Happiness is Not a Fish That You Can Catch (Our Lady Peace)

I didn't want to get up this morning for the early train. Maybe I should have. Then maybe I wouldn't be incredibly late right now.

I got to the train station early this morning. Was feeling proud of that because I'm usually rushing and a bit flustered. I get out of the car and head towards the station and I suddenly realise something. I've left the house without my wallet. My wallet has my train ticket in it, and my money, and my work pass. There's no way I can get on the train without my ticket because I can't get through the station at the other end without it. And it's not like I could've paid my way either. So I turn round and go home. Marvellous.

But at least I got breakfast at home. I usually only get it at work, and of course it costs money. I got a free breakfast at the price of being an hour late for work. If I'd headed for the early train, I'd have not been late at all. Or better still, if I'd not left without my wallet, like a complete plank.

I struggle enough with my stupidity on a normal day. Now I've started my week off by being the most thick I could possibly be. Been working in Belfast for 4 and a half months now, and I've never forgot my keys, wallet, work pass or train ticket. I hope that dippy dopey Blue goes away now.

Closing - Lilac Wine (Jeff Buckley)

In church today, a call was put out for folk who wanted prayer. I went up the front, as did some other people. Then the pastor said "if any of the rest of you see a friend up at the front, please go to them and pray for them". No one came up to me. That says I have no friends in church. I needed prayer cos one of the issues today was women who have been hurt, abused and let down by men and can't let go so they can enjoy proper relationships with good men and with God. I wanted my faith in men restored. Now my faith in women is rocky too. I just don't have faith in people right now, full stop. Mammy thinks the whole fiasco with the Lithuania team is a lie, that they've had the team picked out and they just aren't telling me. But why would the do that? They're a church, of good and godly people who shouldn't do things like that. I just don't know where I stand with anything.